The Onion is my source of news now

https://theonion.com/noaa-cuts-leave-wind-chimes-as-sole-predictor-of-approaching-hurricanes/

https://theonion.com/cardinal-with-3-foot-vertical-leap-emerges-as-frontrunner-in-papal-combine/ 

https://theonion.com/lockheed-martin-develops-giant-tactical-rubber-spider/