A Vacation in Hell

God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches you by means of opposites, so that you will have two wings to fly - not one.
- Rainer Maria Rilke.

Monday I went to the library and found a few more journals of May Sarton. Her journals have been consoling me in receive-mode for decades. The past few weeks I fell off the transmit-mode cliff into the anxiety ridden overwhelm of receive-mode. Twice a year, my husband reminds me. Often it happens at the end of October and I lift up in January and February and drop down in March or April. The cycle shifts a little year to year which keeps me on my toes. The first week of receive-mode is sheer hell and I am practically mute. I can't write. It's better if I don't speak. I drop off the radar. People accustomed to my regular correspondence wonder where I've gone. I tell them when I return.

My head is full of verbal torment and I slow down, paralyzed by insecurity and self-doubt. I am pummeled by demons from the inside, as if bashed by a meat tenderizer. It softens me up! I'm weepy because everything is poignant.

When this happens it is agonizing to be alive. I am haunted and emotionally agitated and panicky. I feel like I am being boiled in oil and I feel ashamed to be so miserable. The truth is I just have to wait it out and continue to be physical (walk and swim) to counter the abusive mind chatter. I try to have compassion for myself versus rage. My husband reminds me that my mood levels off and stabilizes after the first week. He has witnessed my mood cycle for over 30 years. He points out that it's hard for me to love myself when I am deep in the early phase of receive-mode. He is right. I persevere through the emotional flu the best I can and try to get better at coping and managing.

After a week or two a ray of sunshine drops out of the clouds and I find my life has balance again. I am so relieved and grateful that I have weathered another storm.