The Agonies

I am afraid to write about the agonies but part of me thinks, for this exact reason, I ought to try. "The agonies" is the debilitating anxiety-provoking head-noise chatter of receive-mode. I am blindsided even though I expect it. I am beaten down even though I know what it is. I try to convince myself I am a little better at handling it than I used to be. I don't want to whine and complain or sound ungrateful, after all life is hard for many people. Receive-mode is like an inevitable and unwelcome visitor who arrives twice a year and stays for two to three months so I HAVE TO befriend it, it is my life's challenge. The hardest part is not giving in to the barrage of self-hate and the temptation to check out on life. The voice that says "Just end it, end the pain, end your life," has to be laughed at. "Are you really going to kill yourself over cat pee?" a saner voice says. I am now at the very bottom of my Ferris wheel. But the dark gray days will begin to brighten ever so slightly as I remember that my daily tools are also my life rafts. I race to the pool after my morning coffee to swim myself up to a lighter gray. Receive-mode is good for SINKING IN. The first week is sheer hell but then I get adjusted to my new "home". When my head wakes up with noise it is best to swim away the chatter. "Hang on, things will get better," I tell myself.