Wanting and Having

When I was a kid my mother took me to MILLER'S TOY STORE in Mamaroneck N.Y. and asked what I wanted for Christmas and my birthday 12/27. "I want a carrying case record player like Cynthia has," I said. "And for my birthday I want to go ice-skating in Rockefeller Center!"

My mother had other ideas. She felt if ever I got what I wanted I'd become spoiled. So every year she asked me but she gave me the same thing, magic markers and a drawing pad and a men's sweater.

"You were named after Emily Dickinson, she stayed in her room until she died. Then, after her death they found the poems," my sister said, in on the plan. I cried. This was the picture laid out for me. But I wanted to be a Broadway dancer in musicals or a skater like Peggy Flemming or a gymnast like Olga Korbut. Not some sick girl locked in her room.

I have been wanting to make pancakes for three weeks. This morning I was just about to mix up the buckwheat batter when a voice said. Oh just make toast, faggheddaboud it, it's fast and easy. And I said to myself no. no. no. I've had this argument with myself for weeks. I can have pancakes.

I made a batch of buckwheat pancakes from Bob's Redmill recipe on the flour bag using my sourdough starter. They came out great. My husband and I enjoyed them with currant jam and honey.

You are allowed to have your dreams.

I've discovered that I don't become spoiled at all, in fact I am filled with gratitude and happiness.