Receive-Mode (Expanded)

Receive-mode at its most intense is what I call the mental flu. Recently I experienced it metaphorically-speaking as a double vision. I will try to describe it here.

I struggle to be in the present moment but it's nearly impossible because I'm simultaneously grieving and sentimental about the moment I'm trying to have and anxiously anticipating the future. The kicker is I'm aware of this dissonance as it's happening. I know that I'm in a distracted swirl of head-noise chatter keeping myself ungrounded and outside of my life. It's weird to imagine if you've never experienced it. Count yourself lucky.

When I'm settled in and feeling less anxious I'm extremely relieved. I feel lucky because I've reached a manageable pace gently vacillating between thoughts about the past and doomsday scenarios about the future. I've slowed down and my tools are helping me navigate. I feel whole and contemplative.

Receive-mode at its worst is, I'm anywhere but here. It's as if 12 radios tuned to 12 different stations are blaring in my brain at once. So how do I keep from jumping off a cliff? I walk, run swim, and be physical to be out of my head and I make art knowing that things will brighten a little in a week or two. Walking and swimming can help me line up to the present but mostly I have to hang in there coping as best I can until I get my center back. It's outside of my control but physical activity helps a lot. Mornings are terrifying due to their intensity but this begins to die down after a week or two. The initial shift is a shock, moving from the outward energetic optimistic energies of 'transmit-mode' to 'receive-mode' when everything's coming in. That's why I call it receive-mode.