“The best mind altering drug is the truth.”

“The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.”
― Lily Tomlin

“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”
― Lily Tomlin

“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”
― Lily Tomlin

“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.”
― Lily Tomlin

“I said "Somebody should do something about that." Then I realized I am somebody.”
― Lily Tomlin

“The road to success is always under construction”
― Lily Tomlin

“Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?”
― Lily Tomlin

“Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.”
― Lily Tomlin

“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”
― Lily Tomlin

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?”
― Lily Tomlin, Many Moons

“No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.”
― Lily Tomlin

“Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.”
― Lily Tomlin

“I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.”
― Lily Tomlin

“Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them. ”
― Lily Tomlin

“The best mind altering drug is the truth.”
― Lily Tomlin

“If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?”
― Lily Tomlin

“I always wanted to be something, but now I see I should have been more specific.”
― Lily Tomlin

“We're all in this alone.”
― Lily Tomlin

“Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.”
― Lily Tomlin

“After all, in private, we're all misfits”
― Lily Tomlin

“Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.”
― Lily Tomlin

“Exercise is for people who can't handle drugs or alcohol.”
― Lily Tomlin

“Does your mind feel more and more like teflon? Nothing sticks to it?”
― Lily Tomlin

“Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that's the truth.”
― Lily Tomlin

“For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.”
― Lily Tomlin

“If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed!”
― Lily Tomlin

“Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing.”
― Lily Tomlin

“Sometimes i worry about being a success in a mediocre world.”
― Lily Tomlin, Becoming Myself: Reflections on Growing Up Female

“Just remember, we're all in this alone.”
― Lily Tomlin