going on your mother’s birthday trip is not about your father. Explain that to him.

I Am Estranged From My Toxic Mother. Should I Go on Her Birthday Trip?

A reader doesn’t want to upset his father, who requested his presence, but the idea of taking a vacation to celebrate a woman he has cut out of his life makes him squirm.

By Philip Galanes

July 26, 2023

A year ago, I cut my toxic mother out of my life. It was a good decision. The problem: My father, whom I still see one on one, is distraught that I skip family events to avoid her. Now, he’s decided to pay for the whole family to go to an expensive resort to celebrate my mother’s 80th birthday, and he is pressuring me to join them. I think it would be hypocritical to go on vacation to celebrate a woman whom I no longer speak to. But my dad is 85. He has always been loving and supportive to me, and I know my being there would mean a lot to him. I’m torn: I don’t want to subject myself to my mother, but I don’t want to ruin the vacation for my father. Thoughts?

SON

I think you may be misunderstanding what your father is asking of you. And if my hunch is correct, your decision may be even easier. He is not requesting your mere presence on a family vacation; he is also asking you to engage (nicely) with everyone else, including your mother — no avoidance or silent treatment allowed. If that’s not possible, don’t go. Your absence will probably be less upsetting to the group than wall-to-wall conflict.

Now, it’s hard for me to assess the situation with your mother, thanks to our national fondness for the language of pathology. You say she is “toxic.” But if I deleted every letter that used the word “narcissist” or “toxic” to describe people who seem vaguely selfish or unpleasant, my inbox would be practically empty.

So, I defer to you. Some parents are truly destructive. Steer clear of them and invest your energy elsewhere. More commonly, though, many adult children can recognize — by the time our parents turn 80 — that our mothers and fathers may not be the ones we would have wished for, but we can live with them and our ambivalence anyway. If you can keep your equanimity for the length of the vacation, great. If not, I respect that, too. But going on your mother’s birthday trip is not about your father. Explain that to him.