With strangers, we assume we won’t understand perfectly, making us more likely to ask for clarification and second-guess our interpretations. But with partners, we are more likely to confidently accept our assumptions and bypass opportunities to get corrective feedback. It’s a bit like setting course in a sailboat. A skilled sailor might think their expertise reduces the need to check their course and stay attentive to shifts in the wind as they sail along. But that lack of checking heightens the risk of getting off course and failing to notice until deep into the voyage.

Correcting for closeness communication bias begins with recognizing our vulnerability to it. From there, we can take these three steps to make sure our relationships stay on course in the lifelong journey of understanding.

Keep an open mind about your partner

We gain expertise about people we are close to. But troublingly, studies show that feeling like an expert can pose a danger of becoming close-minded and having less curiosity. We fail to learn when we assume we already know.

To counteract that overconfidence, we can look to a concept and set of practices known as “beginner’s mind.” Shunryu Suzuki, a Zen Buddhist monk, disseminated this idea outside Japan in his 1970 book “Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind,” noting that “when you listen to someone, you should give up all your preconceived ideas and your subjective opinions.”

Yael Schonbrun, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and assistant professor at Brown University. Her work, including her weekly newsletter Relational Riffs, focuses on the science of growing a happier, healthier relational life.

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