Journal

This morning I walked Lily at 7AM. I saw my neighbor Paul at the stoplight, walking but then I didn't think it was him. He called my name and I told him that I didn't recognize him with long hair (and stubble and mirror sunglasses). My hair grows fast, he said. We ended up chatting all the way to Ascension Street. He said everyone asks him for money and he always says yes. People say I am too kind, and that's my problem, he said. I told him about protecting himself by treating people as three kinds of friends; the orchestra pit are intimates, first level seats are pals and then balcony seats are acquaintances. You can still have your heart of gold but you can also protect yourself by learning what is appropriate for the kind of friend they are. We all want intimates but they are rare and most complex. He is doing his art and he loves his new apartment. I'm glad to hear it, I said.
"Nobody bothers me here," he said."
"That's great," enjoy it, I said.
~

I have a bad habit of deliberately not giving myself what I want just because that is what my mother taught me. If you get what you want you are spoiled. Bill catches me all the time he'll say "Why are you talking yourself out of what you want?" It's always a simple thing too like I want to make chocolate pudding or I want to make a meatloaf, or buy semolina flour.

Yesterday Sylvia my friend who is 80 was having a melt down. We had a plan for me to call her at 8:30 am and then together we'd go to the 9-11 AM 2 hour thrift store food pantry. She said she was up all night eyes like silver dollars. I asked her what was going on. "I'm worried about affording everything and I can't breathe," she said. I said you're just having an anxiety attack. She seemed relieved that it had a name. So I asked her if I could see her rather than talk on the phone. It was raining hard so I drove the car and brought my extra cocoa chocolate pudding that I made recently and we laughed and told stories for three hours and then she said I'm better now and she got dressed out of her pajamas and came out with me walking her dog. She is bipolar and has rapid cycling version. She has medication and she takes it religiously. She used to be an alcoholic many years ago. I adore her. Bill says she is my fairy god mother. Talking to her is like talking to a part of myself. She is very easy to love. She always says yes to my invitations to come eat. She hates to cook and I love to feed. She appreciates everything; waffles, meatballs, pancakes, soup, breads, you name it she's up for it. I do worry that she is living on peanut butter and franks and beans out of a can. She also eats toast and eggs. She used to live across the street and up a few houses back when she was working as a medical transcriptionist. She has been married and divorced three times and has a daughter who is also bipolar and alcoholic. I adore her too.

Anyway Sylvia loaned me a book called SIMPLE ABUNDANCE A DAYBOOK of COMFORT and JOY. Sarah Ban Breathnach It is good because it is a bit for each day. The author has a chapter about calling exercise something else. She walks to think and meditate.

Our library gets books from wherever we find them and does it for free! Syl also had a book on Women and Anxiety that I will order from my library.

My friend emailed me to have a phone date to discuss childhood stuff. We spoke last night at 5PM and it was very important. I have been hoping someday he would use me as a resource. I think my work is helpful to him. We spoke of the Narcissism on BOTH parents. His therapist told him this 7 years ago. He is trying to figure out why his relationships always fall apart. He is 51. Both parents were bipolar, emotional, short tempered selfish narcissists who didn't like each other and HE was given the job of taking care of them. There it is!

Women & Anxiety: A Step-by-Step Program for Managing Anxiety and Depression
by Helen DeRosis

I looked up The Worcester Art Museum hours. It's only 35-40 minutes away from me. I have not been in a long time. It's a cozy version of the Metropolitan Museum in NYC.


http://www.worcesterart.org/exhibitions/highest-heaven/

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