Emotional May

Receive-mode is back. I always think I can learn enough to have it not happen or at least not be so painful. But there is progress when I think back on other times. It still hurts emotionally and it's the opposite of cozy. I try to be kind to myself and remember that it's a cycle. I feel emotionally agitated and anxious. "Make good use of it. Be physical. Find your new home inside this new head." These are the things I tell myself. It takes about a week to ten days to settle in. Reading and walking downtown takes on a new meaning. "My backdrop has changed color," I tell my husband. "But you are still you!" he reminds me. I feel like I am on a strange safari in my regular life. I feel shame to feel emotional pain when the trees are blossoming.
This morning a young woman I see occasionally downtown, was at the bus stop when I was walking Lily. She told me she tried to commit suicide. "I wasn't supposed to live, with the amount of sleeping pills I took," she said. I hugged her. "I'm sorry. I'm glad you're still here. You're my favorite character," I said. "Even though the trees are blooming, May is a tough month for some of us," I said.