What the Death of a Parent Can Teach us, if We're Willing to Learn

What the death of a parent can teach us, if we're willing to learn
By Alene Dawson

"We tend to think of ourselves as 'children' until we lose our parents. It is only then that we are on the front line of mortality," said Debra J. Umberson, professor of sociology at the University of Texas at Austin and author of the book "Death of a Parent: Transition to a New Adult Identity." "This gives us a very different perspective on our own lifespans and where we fit in terms of generations."

David Kessler, founder of grief.com and co-author with Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross of the influential book "On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss," said many adults — regardless of age — struggle with feeling like an orphan after a parent dies. "I try to remind them that you still stay connected with that person even in death."

Jeanne Safer, author of "Death Benefits: How Losing a Parent Can Change an Adult's Life – for the Better" — the book cover is a birdcage with an open door — says that after a parent dies, many people feel more free to marry outside their religion or ethnicity, "people come out [as gay], people leave religion, people come to religion, people get divorces – all kinds of things – it's fascinating." And it's nothing to feel ashamed of.

Kessler pointed to an example of a client who was grieving his abusive father's death. But as time passed, the man felt a safety in the world he hadn't felt before. "We think a parent ideally will enrich us but some people do have parents that diminish them," Kessler said.

Safer advised taking some time to think about your parent's legacy, and your own: "Four questions to ask yourself about your parent's character are: 'What did I get from my parent that I want to keep? What do I regret not getting? What did I get that I want to discard? What did I need that my parent couldn't provide?'"

"What you didn't get but needed, go out and get from other people or yourself," Safer added.

The first two weeks… then a lifetime