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Saturday, November 30, 2024
Dr. John’s Tangerines
According to my records, the great Mac Rebennack – better known to the world as Dr. John the Night Tripper – turns 70 today. I actually got to meet the Dr. a few years back when he and his band (including the wonderfully named Renard Poché) stayed at the hotel where I was posing as a desk clerk. He was very gracious and his people gave me free tickets to the shows; it was a real bright spot in an otherwise less than stellar period of my life.
In his honor, here’s an excerpt from his autobiography Under a Hoodoo Moon where he describes how he finally kicked heroin after many, many, many years. There’s something striking and poetic about it, if’n you ask me:
…that happened again and again during my halfhearted rehab attempts: I straightened up for a while , but sooner or later I ran into some Chang Moi rocks and it was off to the races, another four years of getting strung out like a fucking guinea pig.
What changed that all around was an experience I had when I wound up in a cardiac ward. I had been suffering some chest pains, which later proved to be nothing major, and I was lying in this bed, hooked up to tubes and wires, when I noticed that the guy in the bed next to me was getting shots of Demerol and morphine every couple of hours. I pulled all the wires and tubes out of myself and began planning how to follow the nurse, with the intention of knocking off the narcotics box. I knew I’d get busted if I did it, but that was the last thing I was worried about.But just as I was about to put myself in gear, this one particular spiritual nurse walked in with a bag of tangerines. She saw I’d pulled all my tubes out, but she was cool about it – she didn’t say a word. Instead, she asked, “Want a tangerine?”
I took it.
Until that time, nothing had stayed in my stomach since I had been in the hospital. But I bit into the tangerine, and it tasted so good. And it stayed down. I ate three of them, and they all stayed down. And it was something about just those sweet, juicy tangerines, at just that moment, that made me decide to try and square up and clean up my act.
And every time thereafter, when my roomie got his Demerol and morphine, this nurse would pop up with her tangerines and good company. I never got a chance to reconsider.
The TOXIC FAMILY Escape Plan
It is important to remember that it is not uncommon to dislike members of your family. Not liking your family does not make you a bad person. In some cases, you can still maintain relationships with people even if you may not necessarily like them.
Just Say No. Managing anger over the holidays requires you to say “No” from time to time. If you don’t feel like participating in a particular family event, then you need to assertively state your desire to skip the family event this year. Saying “yes” to things you don’t want to do will only trigger your anger more.
What is a toxic family member?
Toxic family members can be hard to spot. But one tell-tale sign that you’ve got a toxic family member often lies in how you are made to feel after an interaction with them. Sometimes we don’t realize they are the cause of it until it is pointed out to us. Then, it can be difficult to unsee the toxicity.
A toxic person will display one or more of these behaviours on a regular basis:
They stir the pot. This means they cause division between other family members and pit family members against each other. They might exaggerate something someone said about you or flat out lie. They might bring up topics about others they know will upset you. This includes gossip.
They refuse to speak to you. You get the silent treatment, especially if there has been a disagreement. This is a form of emotional control and manipulation.
They lie. Toxic family members will often deny their part in any disagreement or event which would put them in a bad light. They do not seem concerned in reconciliation or honesty, but only self-preservation and deflection.
They manipulate. It seems to be that no matter what you say or do it always ends up that you are in the wrong. They tell half-truths and then turn the tables on you. They might call you overly sensitive or make you feel like you are the one that is the issue (gaslighting).
They are passive aggressive. Passive-aggressive toxic people are sometimes the most difficult to spot because they don’t get obviously angry but they quietly demean you and create conflict without a scene. A passive-aggressive family member will make back-handed comments meant to unsettle you.
They are aggressive. An aggressive toxic family member will get angry, yell, swear and sometimes physically hit others, damage property or threaten to hurt others. These individuals are easy to spot, but sometimes behaviour is dismissed by others in the family. Beware, this is toxic.
They ignore boundaries. No matter what boundaries you set, this individual will find a way to make themselves an exception or guilt you for having set them. Or, they will ignore them all together and carry on with behaviours they know that you are not okay with. People who ignore boundaries show a lack of respect and belittle you.
It's like killing yourself, and then you're reborn.
“Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the
standardism of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks
you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I
have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you're allowed
to return to life and begin all over the next day. It's like killing
yourself, and then you're reborn. I guess I've lived about ten or
fifteen thousand lives now.”
―
Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes
“We are
Born like this
Into this
Into these carefully mad wars
Into the sight of broken factory windows of emptiness
Into bars where people no longer speak to each other
Into fist fights that end as shootings and knifings
Born into this
Into hospitals which are so expensive that it’s cheaper to die
Into lawyers who charge so much it’s cheaper to plead guilty
Into a country where the jails are full and the madhouses closed
Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes”
―
Charles Bukowski, Women
Nothing was ever in tune. People just blindly grabbed at whatever there was: communism, health foods, zen, surfing, ballet, hypnotism, group encounters, orgies, biking, herbs, Catholicism, weight-lifting, travel, withdrawal, vegetarianism, India, painting, writing, sculpting, composing, conducting, backpacking, yoga, copulating, gambling, drinking, hanging around, frozen yogurt, Beethoven, Back, Buddha, Christ, TM, H, carrot juice, suicide, handmade suits, jet travel, New York City, and then it all evaporated and fell apart. People had to find things to do while waiting to die. I guess it was nice to have a choice.
Charles Bukowski, Women
Boring damned people.
Boring damned people. All over the earth. Propagating more boring damned people. What a horror show. The earth swarmed with them. Charles Bukowski
If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is. Charles Bukowski, What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire
Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way. Charles Bukowski
“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”
―
―
“I've never been lonely. I've been in a room -- I've felt
suicidal. I've been depressed. I've felt awful -- awful beyond all --
but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure
what was bothering me...or that any number of people could enter that
room. In other words, loneliness is something I've never been bothered
with because I've always had this terrible itch for solitude. It's being
at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that
I might feel loneliness. I'll quote Ibsen, "The strongest men are the
most alone." I've never thought, "Well, some beautiful blonde will come
in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I'll feel good." No,
that won't help. You know the typical crowd, "Wow, it's Friday night,
what are you going to do? Just sit there?" Well, yeah. Because there's
nothing out there. It's stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid
people. Let them stupidify themselves. I've never been bothered with the
need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn't want
to hide in factories. That's all. Sorry for all the millions, but I've
never been lonely. I like myself. I'm the best form of entertainment I
have. Let's drink more wine!”
―
―
Death will Tremble to take us
For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are
answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula,
the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions
and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command nor faith a
dictum. I am my own god. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the
church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We
are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our
lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.
―
Ludwig Feuerbach, Lectures on the Essence of Religion
“Though I myself am an atheist, I openly profess religion in the
sense just mentioned, that is, a nature religion. I hate the idealism
that wrenches man out of nature; I am not ashamed of my dependency on
nature; I openly confess that the workings of nature affect not only my
surface, my skin, my body, but also my core, my innermost being, that
the air I breathe in bright weather has a salutary effect not only on my
lungs but also on my mind, that the light of the sun illumines not only
my eyes but also my spirit and my heart. And I do not, like a
Christian, believe that such dependency is contrary to my true being or
hope to be delivered from it. I know further that I am a finite moral
being, that I shall one day cease to be. But I find this very natural and am therefore perfectly reconciled to the thought.”
failed to give him what he really and truly desires
Christianity set itself the goal of fulfilling man’s unattainable desires, but for that very reason ignored his attainable desires. By promising man eternal life, it deprived him of temporal life, by teaching him to trust in God’s help it took away his trust in his own powers; by giving him faith in a better life in heaven, it destroyed his faith in a better life on earth and his striving to attain such a life. Christianity gave man what his imagination desires, but for that very reason failed to give him what he really and truly desires.
― Ludwig Feuerbach, Lectures on the Essence of Religion
When Dostoevsky was a prisoner in Siberia, far from the world, between four walls and surrounded by endless snow-desolate plains, and asked for help in a letter to his distant family, he only said: "Send me books, books, many books so that my soul does not die! He was cold and asked not for fire, he was very thirsty and asked not for water: he asked for books, that is, horizons, that is, stairs to climb to the summit of the spirit and heart. Federico Garcia Lorca
Thanksgiving. It proved you had survived another year
Thanksgiving. It proved you had survived another year with its wars, inflation, unemployment, smog, presidents. It was a grand neurotic gathering of clans: loud drunks, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, screaming children, would-be suicides. And don’t forget indigestion. I wasn’t different from anyone else: there sat the 18 pound bird on my sink, dead, plucked, totally disemboweled. Iris would roast it for me.
Charles Bukowski
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