Mikel Jollett Hollywood Park memoir p345-6

 

Not all narcissists are brash, cocky, or even extroverted. Some get the constant attention they crave from the world by playing the victim. Children of this type of narcissist tend to feel more like the parents spouse than child, burdened with the responsibility for the parents well being. When I learned this one day, I shouted "Bingo!" and laughed out loud. It wasn't funny; it was just such a relief to have a name for the thing I've lived with for so long: Mom and her demands, her life story full of holes and easily debunked lies, the panicking sense I always had that it was my job to take care of her.

Parents with narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder tend to cross physical boundaries. Without a feedback mechanism to understand which touch is appropriate, which body language is comfortable for others, which types of affection are welcome, they tend to invade the space of others, to leave others feeling physically uncomfortable in their presence. We are not taught our own right to determine which touches are welcome, which forms of affection are welcome. Our personal space is violated by such parents who do not recognize our need or desire for space, because they see us only as extensions of themselves.

The crossing of physical boundaries can lead to tremendous shame in adulthood and a tendency to put up with unwanted touching and sexual advances. We simply are left with the feeling that we are not allowed to say no, because we were taught that the narcissists needs are more important than our own.

Parents with NPD tend to view their children in strict aesthetic terms, wanting them to be cute and berating any physical flaws because the parents believe it reflects poorly on them. It's so strange to me how I spent years as a child believing I was fat because of this. When I look back at old photos, I see only a perfectly healthy little boy.

Narcissistic and BPD parents often pit their children against each other. One becomes the chosen child, the repository of all of the parent's best qualities, receiving the most attention, praise and pressure to perform. Another becomes the scapegoat. He is often blamed as the reason for the narcissist's behavior and the reflection of all the parent's worst qualities. The scapegoated child resents the attention the chosen child receives. The chosen child resents the undeserved resentment and anger from the scapegoat. It is so strange to me, upon learning these things, to see how much my brother and my  relationship as children hewed to these precise patterns.

-Mikel Jollett  Hollywood Park memoir p345-6