Bad Culinary Advice

I was just sent an eggplant Parmesan recipe. The directions excluded the proper eggplant salting preparation. The recipe shocked me and would certainly horrify every cook I know. Every Italian grandmother would roll over in her grave. 

I'm reminded of illustrator extraordinaire Ken Maryanski saying American food sucks, but in Europe it's amazing. He said this while we were eating at the local Italian joint near his studio years ago.

 

I was having a huge chat with Splashy Joe at the pool today. He lost 40 pounds in 2 weeks or something. He looks great. His doc told him to lose the barrel belly in order to conquer his high blood pressure and so he did. He swims devotedly but spastically, burning 2000 calories a session out of his inefficient technique. One of the swimmers said "stop dieting, Joe." She has some fear that every man who diets must be an anorexic. She said her own husband is wasting away and won't eat enough. When I met him he was perfectly healthy. So I do not trust her take on things. She also calls herself a fat pig and she's a muscular 120 at 5 foot 6. Perfectly fine, in fact exceptional, at 77 years old!

Last week Splashy finished his workout after a two hour swim on an empty stomach. He was driving home and got dizzy, blanked out at an intersection and crashed into another car. Luckily nobody was hurt but the cars were totaled. His doctor friend Pat who also swims said you got this from low blood sugar, eat some food before you swim and have a Gatorade or some hydrating refreshment afterwards. 

Splashy is an extreme dieter at a (no pun intended), hefty cost.

I asked at the pool, nobody else eats breakfast, Splashy said. 

You didn't ask me. I need to eat a little or I'll see stars, I said. Wendy told me she eats two mini sausage links before she swims. The other women here are 90 pounds and they all claim not to eat or sleep. Don't ask them. They are lying! You're an 180 pound, 62 year old man. You need food and water and sleep! And truthfully, we all do.

I met Splashy at the old swim club where his friend Arthur, Mr OCD, swam every day with the exact same blue noodle. He coined the name Splashy. 

Splashy is a quirky likeable guy. I always give him my lane when the pool is full so he doesn't sit back and read a magazine. He's very awkward but endearingly so and heart-breakingly self-effacing. 

Anyway he'll live on canned beans for every meal for 2 weeks and then lose the weight and go back to sausage and peppers. So I'm trying to give him some information on variety and balance and nutrition. It might be hopeless. Poor guy has a square head. But he loves when I send him good Mayo Clinic information.

I do like to study the crew of wonderful nuts I swim with. It's a microcosm of the big wacky world. Everyone drives me crazy, and I'm sure I aggravate them too. I do get plenty of vignettes out of the deal. The same thing with my Edgewater Drive crazies who I've known through 20 years of walking through their neighborhood.  But why are all the crazies here also RIGHT WINGERS? Where I come from, NYC, the crazies were all LEFTIES.