Control Freaks

Don't try to control a control freak. Judith Orloff advises, "Be healthily assertive rather than controlling. Stay confident and refuse to play the victim. Most important, always take a consistent, targeted approach." Control freaks love a good power struggle; playing into it never ends well.

What personality disorder is a control freak? 

The obsessive-compulsive personality is characterized by a preoccupation with orderliness, perfection, and control of relationships. The individual controls her or his anxiety by shifting it into her or his thinking (obsessive) and then acting it out (compulsion).

What are Control freaks afraid of?

Deep down, control freaks are terrified of being vulnerable; they're anxious, insecure and angry. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives. They're very critical of their colleagues and their friends, but underneath their criticism is a mountain of unhappiness.

 Article

Dealing with Control Freaks

By

FirefighterNation Staff -

8.1.2009

EDITOR’S NOTE: Following publication, this article was found to contain substantial portions of the article “Dealing with Control Freaks” by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW, available on ElderCare Online at www.ec-online.net, that were included without attribution. We sincerely regret this omission.

 

You’ve been asked to serve on an apparatus committee with several other members. You look forward to this opportunity until you discover that Lt. Smith is also serving on the committee. Smith is a control freak. He seems incapable of compromise or seeing things differently; in groups, he dominates discussion. You know just how this is going to proceed: The members will all give their input, but Lt. Smith will make the process so painful that in the end, the group will just wind up going with the specs he wants.

Whether on your crew or in committee work, most of us have had to contend with a fire service member who is a control freak, a person who wishes to set the agenda and decide what you’ll do and when you’ll do it.
Deep down, control freaks are terrified of being vulnerable; they’re anxious, insecure and angry. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives. They’re very critical of their colleagues and their friends, but underneath their criticism is a mountain of unhappiness.

Let’s look at what makes control freaks tick and some ways to deal with them.

Control-Freak Dynamics
The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety, though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At the fire station, they may worry about failure; in relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them.

They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise, and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they’re difficult to live with, work with and socialize with.

Part of the control-freak strategy is to induce fear in you with the subtle or not-so-subtle threat of loss. Example: Your supervisor gives you an assignment, but doesn’t give you the information or tools you need to complete the assignment yourself. As a result, you must continually return for permission to use the needed tools/personnel. Each time you do this, you reinforce the control-freak supervisor’s feeling that they’re needed and in control of the process, and you’re left feeling unsure of your own ability to do the project. Their actions say, “You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you”; you feel off-balance and resentful as a result.   

Remember: The essential need of a control freak is to defend against anxiety. By controlling other people, they ward off their own fear of being out of control. Controlling is an anxiety supervision and management tool.

Coping Strategies
When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases: They become angry and agitated, then panicky and apprehensive, then agitated and threatening; finally, they lapse into depression and despair. Following are some strategies you can use to cope with control freaks and prevent these reactions.

• Stay as calm as you can. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension around them. If you stay calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get agitated, you’ve joined the battle on their terms.
• Speak very slowly. The normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil. Let them control the agenda (initially); you control the pacing.
• Be very patient. If you just listen carefully and ask good questions that indicate that you’ve heard them, they’ll resolve the issue and move on.
• Treat them with kindness. Most control freaks are paranoid. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root; you’ll jam them up.

It’s Not Personal
Keep in mind that control freaks aren’t trying to hurt you; they’re trying to protect themselves. Their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be there forever unless they get help.

Understand that control freaks are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality. In the fire service, these members are angry and afraid to let go of you. Hence, it’s your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process … and grow as a fire service professional.