Marianne Hauser: Literary Cross Dressing

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Jacques Pépin’s Food Memories

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Response to 'The Trick'

These are great, Emily. So many of the things I love in life become chores, and then I hate and resent doing them. Even loving can become that way. And yes, you have to trick yourself. My garden became like a glaring beast demanding care. I resented my garden! It was work. Don’t I work hard enough? So I reminded myself I love gardening, and that it doesn‘t matter if it gets done, what matters is the feel of the earth, the taste of the food, the actual doing. And then the work feels good. I’m outside, breathing the air, sweating even if it’s cold. In the summer, I remind myself to go outside in the evening, not to write but to weed and putter. If I putter about every day I feel good, and the garden is weeded, and I have time and opportunity to pluck stink bugs off the pole beans. If I pluck them off each day, they don’t breed, and then there are fewer, and they go away without sucking all the life out of each bean.

Running and writing and cooking and caring for kids and loving are all like this.

Thanks!

JF

Eudora Welty

I don’t write for my friends or myself, either; I write for IT, for the pleasure of IT.
— Eudora Welty
Paris Review

Janet Wolfe

Federico Fellini made passes at her. Orson Welles sawed her in half.
[...]
There was Ms. Wolfe the indefatigable budget traveler. “You meet a lot of people when you travel, especially if they spill something on you,” she said in 1974. “On the plane to Cannes from Paris, I sat next to a nice Fascist from Monaco. He liked Nixon, so I let him pay for the wine.”

There was Ms. Wolfe the accidental participant in history, as when, in Venezuela to take a job as a governess, she wound up aiding the revolutionary cause of a new friend, Rómulo Betancourt — he would became the country’s president — by hiding his gun in her lingerie.

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A Larger Picture

I am listening to Radio Classique. The announcements and news between the songs are in French. I love the sound of the French language. It is music to me. I love being immersed in it. The French words I know keep popping. If I listen all day will I dream in French again like I did in grade school? It is good to be surrounded by another language preferably one you do not understand.

The world is big! I like to remind myself of this every day. Many people I know learned to speak English as a second language as adults. I don't know if English sounded like music to them but they were immersed in it and that is the best way to learn a language.

Because I work alone and from my inner life it is crucial that I take a break to get outside and touch the larger world. My downtown walk is social and full of the city's energy. The walk to the pond is about getting distance from the city and being able to see the water and the little houses tucked along the banks. I have walked my dogs to the pond for 20 years. Now it feels like an extension of home.

When I grew up in the suburbs it was as if a clear bubble was covering our brick fortress of a house. There was no sense of community. My mother's unhappiness and worries created a terrarium climate. Walking through Grand Central Station in Manhattan I saw people of every age shape and ethnicity from all over the world. I loved it because it opened my eyes. I wish everyone could have this experience.

Pop i Kot

The calendar called "Pop i Kot" or "Priest and Cat" grew out of a photography project showing priests in their daily lives. "By chance we had a photo of a priest with a cat and I thought: why not do a series?" Ms Luchenko said. The Russian calendar had an initial print run of 1,000 copies but that looks likely to be extended. Ms Luchenko said several churches had ordered them to sell in their shops.

The creators have also planned a presentation with some of the priest models later this month, raising funds for an animal shelter.
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The Trick (Part Two) or Whatever Gets you There

My friend Peter says swimming is a sensory experience that launches him into the present moment. That's why just getting wet still counts. If you love the water it's a great thing.

My husband says there has to be sensory appeal in the activity itself in order to continue coming back to it.

I love handling bread dough, I love the smell of bread baking, I never tire of seeing the dough expand. I love writing with a pen on paper, I love the sound of the reed when playing my saxophone, I love the feel of my fingers on piano keys. You have to love the sensory part of the experience in order to return again and again.

We can ruin the experience by measuring but we can trick ourselves into showing up by measuring. I need the trick every day. Everybody does, my husband says. Really? I ask.

When I am heading out with my dog my husband will say Where are you going? Are you taking the long walk? I'll say, I have no idea. I'm just going out the door.

Sometimes when I come back from my walk it's as if I went all the way to the moon and back. I can't even remember what was occupying me.

My pal Manny used to say that about playing the saxophone. He'd be in a bad mood and start playing and then completely forget what was bothering him.

I woke up thinking about how as a kid I would come home and work on my paintings after school. It felt like big expansive hours but it wasn't hours it was the quality of the experience that felt huge. We have clocks in every room and on every device. It's easy to have a habit of measuring everything against time. Maybe we should stop doing that.

My life is full of little tricks for my chores too, like loading the coffee pot in advance, throwing dirty clothes directly into the washer instead of first using a laundry basket, keeping bread flour on the kitchen counter to make it easy to start a batch of dough, playing the classical station to stay calm and feel comforted, taking a shower before I walk downtown, all of these are tricks. The tricks can become good habits that build a day as long as we resist being controlling. That is the enemy. That is what kills the joy.

I try to leave swimming (or whatever the activity) open in order to enjoy the experience. It's okay to trick yourself every day especially if it works. Whatever gets you there.

The Trick is to Leave it Open

Last night after my swim a man in the pool asked me if this was my only exercise. "I also like to take long walks to Harris pond with my dog," I said. "That's important for experiencing distance and it's social too but swimming is the secret to my life. I could preach about it," I said.
"I can tell you love the water. I loved the water as a kid. Now I need the water because I do construction," he said.
"You'll get back into it but you have to be gentle with yourself. I still have to trick myself every day to get here. I tell myself 'just put on your bathing suit and get your toe wet, or just do one lap.' I have to make it a super achievable goal. This is true for so many things in life, just play one song, just write one sentence, just swim one lap and you win." The man smiled. "It has to be an outrageously achievable goal and it has to really be okay to stop after that. I want to come back again tomorrow and the only way to do that is to make it a pleasant experience, and a liveable one. Like I said, I can preach all day about swimming."
"That's okay," he said.

"Swimming is good for the sinuses, it can help tamp down allergies, you'll get fewer colds, it lifts or tames moods, dispels anxiety. It's hydro-psychotherapy! It's good for posture, breathing, it's like meditation, yoga, and tai-chi all wrapped into one," I said. The man nodded in agreement. "Yes I've noticed that about my sinuses too," he offered.

"Swimming is never a bad thing. Actually it's only bad when I ruin it by trying to control it. I used to tell myself I had to swim a mile, or an hour or whatever and if I did less than that I went home feeling like a failure. That was awful. "Some days I feel as though I have been swimming a long time and I am surprised to see only ten minutes has passed," he said. "I know, it varies, it depends on perception and mood," I said.
"Okay, I'm going to swim my one lap now," he said. I said goodbye and left.

Airpocalypse

The artist Kong Ning wore a costume made of hundreds of plastic trumpets in Beijing on Monday to call attention to the hazardous smog.
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François the Tree Man

François, who sells Christmas trees on Broadway and 102nd Street in Manhattan, is the subject of "Tree Man," a new documentary.

“Only in New York could a couple of Jews make a film about French Canadians coming to the city to sell Christmas trees to atheists.”

The film depicts a longtime customer who travels from Queens to the tree man of Broadway, explaining that, “This has nothing to do with trees anymore.”

Jill Chase, 74, a local resident whom François called “my New York mother,” showed up with a dish covered in tinfoil that she had just cooked. Since befriending François during his first year, she has given him a key to her apartment so he can shower.

“Everyone knows François,” she said. “He bonds with everybody here.”

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Dream

I was hired to work on a TV show behind the scenes in Boston. I was in bed for the night when a call came in to arrive on the set in an hour, which was a day earlier than planned. I went out to a restaurant for dinner and lost track of time. It was half past nine and I was just getting directions on how to get there. "You might as well not go, she'll fire you for being late," the waitress said. I ignored her.

They Want to Feel Whole Again

“I can tell you from all the patients — and I’ve been involved since 1998 — every single one, after surgery, look at the graft, try to move it and they immediately call it ‘my hand,’ ” Dr. Brandacher said. “They immediately incorporate it as part of their body. I would assume, extrapolating, that this is going to be the same for this kind of transplant.”
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A Place

I am happy today. I am baking granola while my husband is working on his deadline. We stayed up very late watching a movie. It was good to break the schedule of the week and have a real Saturday night. That was what I needed. I require a routine but I also need to shake it up once in a while or else the end of the week can feel like a broken promise.

Today I am thinking about ways to sort through discard my piles of paper in my studio so I can make space for my new larger paintings. As I said to a friend, Perhaps I'll start with clearing off one of my chairs. Wouldn't it be nice to have a place to sit down?

I can't take time away from my work to go through my boxes! Work has to come first because it keeps me healthy.

Marianne Williamson: Ask for His help

Whenever we feel lost, or insane, or afraid, all we have to do is ask for His help. The help might not come in the form we expected, or even thought we desired, but it will come, and we will recognize it by how we feel. In spite of everything, we will feel at peace.
― Marianne Williamson

Dream

I dreamed my childhood doll house got damaged by water and thrown out. I've had it since I was 4 years old, I thought. I was devastated to learn that it was tossed into the trash and the dumpster had already been emptied. I woke up thinking about how I was reprimanded as a child for giving things away. This might be part of why I can't get rid of stuff. I must try by tackling one small pile at a time.

Keep, Donate, Discard

Perhaps most important is to tackle just one project at a time and stick with it until it is done. “Start with the easiest, and be proud of what you’ve done,” Dr. Zasio said in an interview. Then gradually move on to more challenging projects.

Schedule time for decluttering — say, an hour each day on most days, until you’re done.

There’s no question that parting with stuff you’ve collected and thought valuable can trigger anxiety. But, as Dr. Zasio says and I have found, the anticipated anxiety is usually worse than what actually ensues. Even if it is acute, the anxiety dissipates if you sit down or do something fun or relaxing until it passes.

Make three piles (or bins) of stuff: Keep, Donate, Discard. (Avoid my mistake of making a fourth pile called Undecided that you simply wind up moving to another part of the house.) Get rid of the Discard and Donate piles as soon as possible. Keep only those things that have a realistic “home” in your home.

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Alex Korb: Reshape Your Brain

The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time
by Alex Korb

Depression can feel like a downward spiral, pulling you down into a vortex of sadness, fatigue, and apathy. Based in the latest research in neuroscience, this audiobook offers dozens of little things you can do every day to rewire your brain and create an upward spiral towards a happier, healthier life.

Depression doesn't happen all at once. It starts gradually and builds momentum over time. If you go through a difficult experience, you may stop taking care of yourself. You may stop exercising and eating healthy, which will end up making you feel even worse as time goes on. You are caught in a downward spiral, but you may feel too tired, too overwhelmed, and too scared to try and pull yourself back up. The good news is that just one small step can be a step in the right direction.

In The Upward Spiral, neuroscientist Alex Korb demystifies the neurological processes in the brain that cause depression and offers effective ways to get better one little step at a time. In the book, you'll discover that there isn't 'one big solution' that will solve your depression. Instead, there are dozens of small, practical things you can do to alleviate your symptoms and start healing. Some are as simple as relaxing certain muscles to reduce feelings of anxiety, while others involve making small efforts toward more positive social interactions. Small steps in the right direction can have profound effects giving you the power to literally 'reshape' your brain.

Like most people, you probably didn't wake up one day and find yourself completely depressed. Instead, it probably happened over time, as a series of reactions to difficult situations and negative thinking. But if you are ready to reverse the trajectory of your depression and find lasting happiness, this book will show you how.

First Day With the New Head

There's a guy who walks up and down our street a few times a day. "Good to see you," I'll say, "Good to see you" he'll reply. His untied over-sized boots make a flopping sound as he walks. His hair is wild and his beard is overgrown. His outfit is always the same, a dark T-shirt and dark slacks that he holds up at the waist with one hand. The hems of the slacks are tattered. "You must be freezing!" I'll say on a winter day. "It's not bad," he'll reply. He harvests cigarette butts from the Walgreen's parking lot. The other day he came right up to me. He had a brand new pack of Newport cigarettes in his hand. "M&M's. I had a brain transplant," he said. I wasn't sure what to say. There was a pause. "Nice to meet you," he finally said. "Nice to meet you," I replied, and he continued on his way. I told my husband about this exchange. "Sounds like he got new meds," he said. "Those are the M&M's, and it feels to him like he has a new brain."

Understanding Dissociation

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