Receive Mode

When I'm first in receive mode I am exhausted, haunted, and full of insecurity, empathy, vulnerability, and despair. I feel like I am a terrible person, radioactive and poisonous, and I should hide from people, or I am just annoyed by everyone and I should hide from people. I move more slowly and can feel hopeless, like life is a bad deal and I want out. I am not so physical and sensory. My energy and appetite are not distracting. My dog seems to have more energy than I remember, my house fills up with dust bunnies and junk-mail, I retrieve, with wonder and appreciation, loaves of bread from the freezer that I baked on the energetic transmit-mode days. Sometimes I can't imagine holding my heavy saxophone let alone playing it. I crave sleep and dread communicating. Then I adjust to the energy shift and begin to level off and appreciate the good qualities of this state. I am extremely receptive in a particular way. I read books, I can concentrate steadily on playing music, painting, and writing because I am receiving, taking in. I am also receiving things from my inner world. It is a reflective, conceptual, imaginative vision. I am confronted by my old belief system, the one I learned from infancy, which states that I am a terrible person. This may be why at times it is so excruciating to be in receive mode. But receive mode is the perfect time to recognize the flaws in my belief system, and laugh at myself when I can.