A Dialogue on Impossible Nostalgia

by Vanessa Valliere

Her – I am feeling nostalgic for the country.

Him – What country?

Her – Out in the country. With the air and the warm bread with butter and honey and tea.

Him – When?

Her – Now. I’d love to go back.

Him – But…

Her – Remember the wooden table we had outside and the sand underneath and the bees nest in the bushes? I wish we could make a fire in the fireplace. I like to think about the night we went out looking for firewood in the dark and I could hear your feet crunching along – my fingers were aching with cold but it was so sharp and beautiful out. And in the morning we folded up the extra quilts and padded down to the kitchen in the slippers my mother bought and we cracked open the living room window so we could hear the birds better.

Him – Was it winter?

Her – Sometimes. And sometimes we were sweating and walking with towels over our arms and little pebbles skipping out around our feet. We went swimming and you took a shower while I cut us a plate of kiwi and apples and cheddar. When you came out we ate it on the porch in the rocking chairs and you surprised me with that crisp white wine you’d been saving in the basement and we drank it in those funny glasses we found the summer before – with the dancing ladies painted on them. You threw your head back and laughed and we tapped a little song on the arms of our chairs.

Him – I’m sorry. I don’t think. I don’t think I remember.

Her – We watched a lot of movies. All of your favorites and all of my favorites and then we made steak with fat mushrooms and we talked about our favorite parts. Sometimes we felt like we were still in the movie and we walked around each other carefully- savoring and respecting. Other times we looked at each other like two people who were not us, but who were still in love, just like in the movie, and we smiled and kissed and pulled a blanket over our heads.

Him – I remember watching movies.

Her – Yes! Yes. And there was candlelight at dinner always. The stars were so easy to see! I wore that dress nearly every day, it was so comfortable and colorful and you seemed to like it so much.

Him – I love all of your dresses sweet. But we were never there. We’ve never been to the country.

Her – Of course we have.

Him – No.

Her – Why not though? Why haven’t we? When we’ve had such lovely times there? I miss it so much I think about it all day sometimes – the days we had there and how long they were – how they stretched out in front of us like one small lifetime after another. And here we blink the weeks away and only get to remember the future.

-Vanessa Valliere