Carrie Cantwell Article

here.

Years ago, when struggling through a depressive episode, I mustered what little energy I had and began writing my thoughts in a notebook. I’d heard that journaling is a healthy outlet, so I figured I’d give it a shot. I was desperate for some relief.

I recorded the horrible feelings that had been swirling around in my head, tormenting me for weeks. I wrote about my insecurities and my anxieties. Statements turned into stories.

I recounted my childhood, my dad, my past relationships. Everything that had been locked in my brain came spewing out onto paper. I acknowledged fears that had been hiding in my subconscious for decades.

By externalizing my anguish, I felt a sense of release. I felt serene.

I kept going. The more I wrote, the better I felt. I filled up the first notebook and started a new one. Before I knew it, I’d written hundreds of pages.

*********

Sometimes I don’t have the wherewithal to write. My bipolar disorder comes in waves. When I experience mania or hypomania, I go through bouts of frenetic energy in which I can’t read or write. Words dance around on pages like frolicking fairies, elusive and impossible to absorb. That’s where painting comes in.

Painting is a relaxing, free-flowing creative outlet that unleashes my energy in a constructive way. There’s nothing more stress-relieving than spreading huge expressive brushstrokes in bright, bold colors on large canvases. Creating visual art helps me transform the confusing, agitated activity in my brain into a visual picture. The resulting image gives meaning to my struggle while removing some of its power over me.

Painting takes my mind off my mind, if you get my drift. I go into a sort of meditative trance. The lightning bolts in my brain have an external focal point. Once the paint is applied, I experience a feeling of emancipation. Creating visual art calms me down. It helps me cope with mania in a way that other methods don’t. I’ve even turned some of my paintings into finished products that I’ve been able to sell, and that’s given me enormous pride. I have something I can point to and say, “I made this with my heart and soul.”