It is a common phenomenon for estranged or neglectful family members to attempt to reconnect after years of distance, particularly as they age or face mortality, often causing confusion, guilt, or anger for the person they ignored. Feelings of indifference after many decades are valid, and one has the right to set firm boundaries, as reconciliation is not mandatory regardless of their newfound interest.

Here is a breakdown of how to handle this situation based on insights into long-term estrangement:

Understanding Their Motivation

• Control and Manipulation: Sudden "care" can be an attempt to regain control if they feel it slipping away, or a way to avoid facing the consequences of their past behavior.
• Fear and Guilt: As they age, they may experience fear, anxiety, or societal pressure to "fix" relationships before it is too late.
• Unresolved Issues: They may be seeking a "pass" to ignore past hurts without taking accountability, often hoping you will take them back on their own terms. 

Taking Actionable Steps

If you wish to maintain your distance or manage their engagement, consider these options:

• Set Firm Boundaries: Clearly communicate your limits. For example, "I am not interested in a close relationship. I will accept a phone call once a month, but I will not be visiting".
• Protect Your Mental Health: Do not let their new behavior make you doubt your memories or feel guilty. You do not owe anyone forgiveness, especially if they have not earned it.
• Delegate or Buffer: If you feel obligated to handle urgent matters (like caregiving), do so through a third party. Hire a Geriatric Care Manager or Aging Life Care Professional to act as a middleman, or utilize your local Area Agency on Aging.
• Limit Interaction Type: If you do communicate, keep it to low-stakes methods, such as email or text, rather than in-person meetings, to maintain control over the engagement.
• Seek Support: Work with a therapist to process your feelings of anger, indifference, or guilt. 

Reconcile Only If Ready

• Evaluate Their Intent: Ask yourself if they are truly acknowledging the past, or just trying to rewrite it.
• Your Choice: You are under no pressure to change your life to accommodate them now. Your well-being is the priority. 

If you feel pressured, you are fully within your rights to maintain "no contact" to protect your peace.