I used to look into a chaotic future

 I used to look into a chaotic future, because I didn't want to experience the moment that was right in front of me. (...) I sometimes had the certain, but very vague feeling that I "could become something" in the future, could do something "great" and then now and then   that chaotic fear that I "would go to the lightning would go". I'm starting to understand why. I refused to do the tasks right in front of me. I refused to climb from step to step for that future.

 I used to always live in a preparatory stage, I had the feeling that everything I did was not the "real" after all, but preparation for something else, something "great", something real. But that's completely lost on me now. Now, today, this minute I live and live to the fullest and life is worth living and if I knew that tomorrow I would die, I would say: I am very sorry, but it has been good, as it has been.

   ― Etty Hillesum, Etty: The Legacy of Etty Hillesum 1941-1943