Boundary Bob asks Amy

Ask Amy: My mom asked why we only let my parents visit for five days

Dear Amy: My wife and I have a strained relationship with my parents, who live out of state. They stay with us and our two young children about twice a year. Some of their visits have been rocky (two years ago they visited us while having active cases of covid, and did not tell us in advance that they were ill).

My mother and I went through therapy to work on our relationship, and now I set boundaries and ask that these boundaries be respected. We offered to host my parents for five days on their most recent visit, as any more time with them would be hard on us. After the visit, which went well, my mom asked why they were allowed to stay for only five days. She said they would have liked to stay longer. How should I respond?

— Boundary Bob

Bob: I appreciate your question, because your experience highlights a typical trajectory with a chronic boundary-bouncer. You identified this problem and took it to a therapist (a great choice!), and your mother joined you there (a great choice on her part).

You two worked things out, and you put your therapy into practice. You presented your boundary with clarity, and this resulted in a good visit with your folks. And then your mother experienced a bit of a backslide, resorting to familiar behaviors as a way to bounce over your boundary.

Her weapons of choice are subtle manipulations, perhaps also throwing in a bit of sadness in order to press her case. This is her way to get her needs met, and because it has worked in the past, she has reason to believe it will work now. She has opened the door for a refresher course in abiding with reasonable boundaries.

You could say, “Your visit went really well for all of us, and I credit our therapy for helping both of us to create and respect boundaries. Thank you for that, Mom.” I have not suggested diving into an extended conversation about her wants or needs because, like a good door-to-door salesperson, once she gets her foot in the door, she will wedge it open.

This is your house, your family and your life. I hope you will continue to take good care of yourself and your family by respectfully maintaining your boundaries. Ultimately this will result in a better relationship with your folks, building more positive experiences, which may lead to expanded boundaries.