My former best friend is a narcissist. But it took me three years after our falling out to realize she was one.
I
also realized through therapy that besides her, I’ve closely interacted
with other narcissists in the past, and that discovery is what
eventually led me to the parallels between them.
Unfortunately,
the internet covers mostly narcissism in romantic relationships, but
never in friendships. First and foremost, this article is meant as
advice so you don’t fall into narcissistic friendships. If you suspect
you’re in one, then, keep reading to find out.
In
general, narcissists are bold and aggressive. They’re usually the ones
working the room and loudly sharing stories about their own importance.
Beyond the obvious is another type of narcissist — someone subtle yet equally dangerous.
They’re called covert narcissists, and they have an exaggerated sense of importance as well. According to experts at mindbodygreen, they tend to be quieter and shyer, which makes them harder to identify.
But the pain and damage they leave are all the same.
In
my case, looking back on all my relationships has been a tough pill to
swallow. I can now see all the ways some of my friendships were toxic,
and how their behavior enabled my depression.
That
being said, I still want to share with you the things I have gleaned
about this topic over the years. Here are six of the most common subtle
traits covert narcissistic friends practice.
They Play the Victim Card Too Often
To be honest, a big part of me still feels guilty for leaving.
My
former best friend was objectively going through a shitty time when I
cut things off permanently. But her treatment of me wasn’t fair either.
She was never satisfied. She always had something to be miserable about and will continue to make mountains out of molehills.
The worst part? She would make sure to drag me along to her pity party.
Turns out, there was an explanation for it. Narcissists lead genuinely miserable lives. A recent NYU study confirmed that their narcissism is driven by insecurity rather than an inflated ego.
But
instead of dealing with their insecurity like normal human beings, they
play the victim. Covert narcissists want to be fussed over and taken
care of. They want constant attention.
They justify it by believing their misery is unique. They feel what they’re going through is different from others.
As
a result, you’re drawn to feel sorry for them. You want to save them.
Most of all, they make you feel good after helping them.
In
reality, they just need you in their corner because it placates their
insecurities. If they don’t need you, they’ll likely do the next thing
on this list.
They Know When to Blame You
As I said before, I feel guilty.
Not
because I did something wrong. In fact, leaving her was the best thing I
did for myself mentally and emotionally. But years of being around her
have made me believe I’m the bad guy.
That’s
because narcissistic people have the unique ability to always blame
you. Their goal is to elevate their position at the expense of others.
They do it so they could feel better about themselves.
Vox explains,
gaslighting “refers to the act of undermining another person’s reality
by denying facts, the environment around them, or their feelings.” In
other words, victims are usually manipulated into questioning even their
own sanity.
For
example, my former best friend was always defensive whenever she was
confronted. She had this cunning way of making her lies extra
believable. Eventually, I’m bullied into believing it was my fault for
questioning her in the first place.
That’s gaslighting in action.
They’re Passive-Aggressive
We’re
all guilty of being passive-aggressive sometimes. But covert
narcissistic people use it as a means to assert their dominance over
you.
According to Healthline,
two main reasons drive this behavior. First, they believe they’re
special, and therefore, entitled to get what they want. Second, they
want to get back at people who wronged them.
Besides
my former best friend, I know a lot of other covert narcissistic
friends who practiced textbook passive-aggressive behavior.
I was usually the butt of their jokes. They put me down to make themselves look good in front of others.
It’s
like their sneaky way of telling you they never cared about you beyond
your use. When you run out of that, it’s easy for them to discard you.
But
because passive-aggressiveness is strategically manipulative, you never
really know why they left you. In turn, it’ll do a number on your
self-esteem.
They’re Sensitive to Criticism
Not all people who feel slighted by criticism is a narcissist.
You can feel bad about being criticized and work on yourself. That’s what it takes to be human.
But covert narcissists are the opposite.
They’re
hypersensitive to any type of criticism and will always take it
personally. More importantly, they’re not interested in improving
themselves. They’re better at telling people they’re competent instead of showing them.
Funnily
enough, covert narcissists love to dish it out. They take pleasure in
making others feel small, silly, or unsure of themselves. In fact, they
take pleasure from it.
They
have a mask on for every person they meet. You’ll see they’re funny and
engaging at first but will speak poorly about others next. You’ll never
get a coherent answer with a covert narcissist.
Just like a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
They’re Emotionally Neglectful
In
over a decade of friendship with my former best friend, not once did I
ever feel like I was taken care of, both physically and emotionally.
The
attention was always on her: Her problems, her dreams, her future. I
don’t think she ever asked me what I’d like to do with my life. I always
had to willingly share it with her.
When I did realize I’ve been neglected all along, it was already too late.
You
see, the textbook narcissist will never validate your feelings. You’re
not there as an equal, but as someone inferior to them. You’re there to
listen to them, not to be heard back.
You’re the emotional punching bag.
At
every turn, you’ll find the covert narcissist not being able to handle
their emotions. When they’re in this state, they almost get manic. They
love to proclaim they can’t be left alone.
In
truth, they just need you so can project their insecurities onto you.
They need you to console them, but above all, they need you to feel even
crappier than them.
They Lack Boundaries
Lastly, a lack of boundaries is a telltale sign of a covert narcissist.
In
fact, they’ll lash out at you when they don’t get what they want.
They’ll harass you and bully you into submission. You must be at their
beck and call at all times. Otherwise, they’ll make your life a living
hell.
You’ll feel like you have no autonomy anymore.
That’s
because they mainly keep tabs on you for a reason. They don’t want you
to flourish without them. If you are, they’ll make sure they’re forcibly
happier than you. If you’re not, they’ll keep you around so you’re miserable together.
In short, the covert narcissistic friend will always try to be one step ahead of you.
Wrap Up
To be fair, we all have narcissistic traits.
But
you can spot an actual covert narcissist by their inability to ever
work on themselves or take responsibility as any decent person would do.
Now that you’re familiar with some of the telltale traits of one, it’s time to learn how to handle them.
More
than setting firm boundaries and following through them, it’s important
to never take anything personally by a covert narcissist.
According
to experts, a narcissist isn’t born but molded in their environment.
Regardless of how they act towards you, you should learn to take care of
your own.
It might take years to recover from their blatant abuse, but the first step is always acknowledging your pain.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment