Nick Carmody: No one is obligated

Nick Carmody JD, MS Psych Yes, it takes a long time to finally realize you don't have to maintain unwanted/unneeded relationships that detrimentally affect you, simply because of the obligation created by the title of the relationship (parent-child, sibling). No one is obligated to be disrespected or hurt.

The more that we hold onto from our past life, the more influence the past has on our attempt to redefine ourself.  From a metaphorical standpoint, think of the redefining process as a canvas.  If that canvas is blank, there are almost zero constraints on how you fill in, or paint the picture of your life going forward……meaning that there are almost zero constraints on how you redefine your life.  But the more you hold onto from the past, the more it is the metaphorical equivalent of being given a canvas with images already existing, and having to fill in or paint a picture (or define your life) with limited space available, and with pre-existing “images” that either limit what you are able to create/define…or pre-existing images that directly contradict your vision/image of your life going forward.  That doesn’t mean everything from the past is eliminated from your life-redefining canvas, it just means that you have to decide which people/events, and even which aspects of yourself, add value to your redefined life-canvas......and which will be eliminated.  I analogize this to a “molting” process where we shed unhealthy people, situations, and mindsets.  It’s your life, it’s your canvas. Only you are allowed to decide how that life/picture will look.  

One of the ways to make that decision is to figure out how to create purpose and meaning in your life.  This newfound purpose and meaning will be instrumental because when we are able to derive meaning and purpose from extremely adverse or traumatic experiences, those experiences cease to hold us back.  This newly discovered purpose and meaning is instrumental because the more purpose and meaning we create after the fact, the more we are defined by our post-trauma life, the less we are defined by the trauma and the people who inflicted it, and the less we fall into the debilitating mindset of having “peaked”, of feeling like our best days are in the rearview mirror, or of feeling like there’s no hope.  Hope is both the by-product….and a fuel source… of purpose and meaning.  Hope is self-reinforcing. source