Scars

Scars are in my worm's eye view. When in receive mode I see them everywhere; in my house, on my body, in my neighborhood, in my car. I try to resist blaming myself for them. It's as if at these times I am seeing the death side of life, like the film negative of a color photograph which is a bit frightening at first but fascinating. At these times my imagination is pointed inward with laser beam intensity in contrast to the buoyant expansive bird's eye view. But this inward intensity is the place I need to be in, in order to make my paintings. The tunnel of fear gives way to a focused habitat, underground. It is nearly impossible to imagine my other "transmit" house. It's a world of difference like a vacationer arriving on a tropical island after fleeing a winter storm. Maybe a better analogy is being in a submarine doing research after having been a surfer. This isn't about what I like better any more than liking day or night better or the sun or the moon better. I cannot choose! I have to practice learning and adapting. I am motivated to explore, understand, and share my findings. If any of my observations or discoveries can be of help to another person then my pain is not wasted. My pain (and my joy) can be a teacher.