In the Mud

Yes, you must use your despair, he said tapping his mahogany pipe into the clear glass 'airport lounge' ashtray. Despair may feel like an enemy but watch carefully, it can prove to be an important and good friend, he said in his Austrian accent. You have to proceed in spite of fear and poke at the danger with your stick, he said, laughing. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but you see, that's where the gold is, in the mud and in the shadows, in the places we prefer to keep hidden.

Jen loved the smell of pipe tobacco. Dr. Brown opened the leather pouch and scooped the tobacco into his pipe. Then he used the little silver tamping tool that looked like a branding tool for a miniature cow, and he lit it. She loved to watch the ritual. Like a tea ceremony or a pitcher giving hand signals at a baseball game.

That reminds me, my friend Pearl walks down the street to swim at the pool, guided by her cane. She does this each day in spite of her fear of crossing the street. How is she able to do this? Maybe because she has discovered that it is extremely rewarding. So now she's taking the two block trip daily and she's getting more practice and more confident each time. When I first met Pearl she was too embarrassed to use her cane and her father convinced her she must use it to signal to people so they would know she is blind. She used to walk with her arms out feeling for the fences, stone walls and telephone poles along the sidewalk. People would see her lurching and thought she was drunk. Now they see her white cane and they know she is a blind woman. She finally admitted to herself that she needed to take this step in order to have a more fulfilling life.

Do you see the parallel, he said puffing on his pipe.
You want me to embrace who I am, including my despair?
Exactly.
Sometimes I think I am punishing myself for being moody. I wouldn't punish my friend Vince and he is extremely moody. Of course the difference is I don't live with Vince, if I did I would go crazy because he is super-sensitive just like me. I am very insecure. I'd always think his bad moods were my fault. I like stable cheerful people because I am so shaky, I have wings like a butterfly.
The butterfly is a fascinating creature because it starts out as a worm, Dr. Brown said looking over his half-glasses.
I am definitely a worm! Jen laughed.

Would you like to talk about your dream?
Okay. I was at Vince's wedding and everyone was being served plates of thinly sliced roast beef, green beans, carrots and salads, but I got served a man's muddy hiking boot on a white dinner plate. I acted like I was a very special guest and began using my knife and fork to cut the boot into bites so I could eat it. I chewed the leather stoically telling myself this was the prize. Eventually I ate the whole boot in front of all of the guests at my table.

What do you think it means? Dr. Brown asked.

Okay, brace yourself, I've thought about this all week. First of all I am deeply distraught that Vince is getting married, especially to Penelope who tricked him into agreeing to marry him by saying another man's offer was on the table. Yes, isn't that awful? How can she live with herself? Secondly, I am always hungry for more, more of everything, food, love, adventure, you name it, yet I am subservient passive, always trying to be liked. I always get the boot! She said, laughing and then tearing up.

You hit a nerve, Dr. Brown said, pushing the box of tissues towards her.

Maybe it's also a positive dream. I wasn't going to let the staring guests stop me from eating the boot. I had something to prove. I was determined to see this as a privilege. And as you said, the magic is down low, in the mud. I distinctly remember noticing the mud on the boot in the dream. It was appetizing to me, like gravy on mashed potatoes. It tasted good too, she said laughing while blotting her teary mascaraed eyes.

You can choose the meaning for yourself, Jennifer. You can choose how to you wish to steer your life, he said.

Easier said than done, doc. That's why you have this job and not me, she laughed. Oh, I know, it means be a worm and eat more mud, and maybe you'll become a butterfly, Jen said laughing. Don't you guys ever just laugh? I mean instead of always looking for the hidden meaning?

Isn't the truth always funny? he asked. Well, Jennifer that's all the time we have for today, Mr. Brown said looking up from his folder of notes.
See you next week, Jen said, jumping up, feeling quite pleased with herself.