A Smile Hanging From My Porch

I woke up after a deep sleep only an hour ahead of my normal wake up time. I got up and fed the animals and took a shower. I decided to take Lily for a walk run downtown. My hair was still damp but I was on fire. I ran out wearing jeans and long johns a spandex tank dress and my thin gray sweatshirt. I wore my "onion bag" my glow vest and yellow "don't kill me scarf" and carried my inhaler keys and flashlight. It was cold but it felt good except my sinuses hurt. We jogged through downtown and it was EMPTY. And I mean Edward Hopper Empty. We stayed on the lit main street. The car wash auto repair was ablaze with florescent light but no people. I saw a silhouette of the girl setting up at Dunkin' Donuts. I went up to the window curious about when they open. She held up her hand to show me (5AM). Only five minutes from now, I thought. My coffee was brewing awaiting me at home.

Lily was totally game for this. And after all this is our morning routine every day but not at this hour. She wasn't interested in letting me turn back when I realized how cold the wind was and she was right, "we can do this" it's only a mile. Jeez it's not the 111 mile swim to Cuba in shark-infested waters. I wiped my dripping nose on my sleeves and relaxed into the crisp air. Relaxing is the secret to being warm plus a few HOT FLASHES. I loved the FREEZING 28 degree air and the feeling of my legs running. There was one car at Walgreen's. As I turned up my street there was a tall young man crossing the street, a zombie walking right towards me. My heart jumped. He had to move away or get cut off by the leash. Whew, I thought. I'm not scared, but I did get scared. But I do feel at home here. This is MY STREET and MY CITY! I could see my little colored lights hanging down in arcs glowing like a colorful curled mustache, a smile hanging from my porch.

Yesterday I ran 4 miles. Transmit mode energy requires physical activity to find EMOTIONAL balance but ironically so does receive-mode. I ALWAYS run in transmit, SAP IN THE LOINS (YANG, invigorating external energy). I swim in receive-mode (YIN, subconscious, soothing, internal). Someday I'll write a book about this so other cyclothymics may have an easier journey.

My emotional damage was intensified by being scape-goated and SHAMED and sexually and emotionally ABUSED by my mother. But I have a friend who survived 16 foster homes. She is AMAZING and has much more to deal with. I am proud to know her. We cheer each other on. Now I am committed to sharing my discoveries with my community.

We have an opiate epidemic going on not to mention the epidemic of alcohol and tobacco addiction. My fantasy is to promote alternatives that are more rewarding spiritually and physically and emotionally, perhaps by sharing our stories. There's nothing that cuts through walls like a survival story.